Chapter 6

Keeping things sweet.

Now that the computer is up and running, how do you keep it that way?

Well, the answer is a varied one. And largely depends on what you do with it.

But first we will start with the basic maintenance. 

Firstly, if you have a desktop computer, I highly recommend leaving it on over night and setting your tasks to complete while the computer is not being used. 

Virus scans, and disc checks can considerably reduce the computers speed. Programs updating while you are online can slow the internet connection right down. 

Each program usually comes with a scheduler so these tasks can be automated. 

I have mine set up thus:

3am: Windows updates

4am: Other software updates (where applicable)

5am: Virus scan

6am: Disc cleaning operations

Then the computer is ready for when you get up and check out the news. 

The computer does not have to be fully logged on. Most computers can wake up from sleep or hibernate to do these tasks. Even just logging off to the log in screen is fine. Most computers can work from this state. 

Doing this with a laptop is generally impractical. Your best bet is to set aside an hour or two a week to manually do these tasks. 

I have mentioned before about the evil that is defrag. The process itself is fine. It's the fact that most people who are clueless about computers will suggest this first. If a computer is not working as it should, defrag will never fix that. Defrag will give you a speed boost when loading programs, but its a boost you will not notice unless you have a 3 year old computer that has never been defragged. 

As such, I only reccomend a defrag once the system is freshly installed, then one after 6 months. At 12 months, I would recommend reinstalling everything. This keeps things fresh, has the added bonus of getting rid of all the files you installed and forgot about (of which you will have many) and basically make everything smooth. However, if your computer has a SSD (Solid State Drive) then NEVER use defrag. I repeat, NEVER USE DEFRAG. There will be zero benefit, but you could destroy the hard drive trying.

PEBKAC:

I hate to say it, but this is the single most common factor on computers I repair. Wether it be mechanical, or 'software failiure' the problem is usually classed as PEBKAC.

What does PEBKAC stand for I hear you ask?
Problem Exists Between Keyboard And Chair.

In otherwords, you. 

Now as hard as this is to understand, computer software will never go wrong. It is impossible. It is a series of instructions that a computer follows. And the computer will follow them to the letter. 

It is also impossible for anyone to install software onto your computer by hacking.* You have to install the software the hacker uses. Weather you click a dodgy link, or open a dodgy email. Doing so, you cause the problem. 

Mechanical failure:

This is actually quite rare really. 

How many moving parts does your computer have? The fans, the CD/DVD drive, the hard drive, and that's it.

However, when the fans fail you need to stop using the computer and have the fans replaced. I would even suggest changing the fans annually to be sure. The biggest cause of mechanical failure of a computer is dust. 

Once a month, open that case up, get a natural fibre brush, a can of air duster, and the vacuum hose. 

Turn the vacuum on, and have someone hold the hose near where you are dusting. Use the air duster and blast everything is short sharp blasts. Back blast all the fans. If they blow out, blast in and vice versa. Make sure the CPU heat sink is completely dust free. You may need to remove the fan and the heatsink to do this. Removing the heatsink is a good idea anyway. Just be sure you have some thermal paste. Once the heat sink is removed, and stripped down and rubbed clean, run the vanes under a tap to wash them all out. Once they are dust free, run the heat sink under a very hot tap, or drop it into a saucepan of boiling water for a few seconds, then remove it. The hot water will heat up the heat sink, and all the water will evaporate. Who'd of thought the best way to dry metal would be to get it wet?

Infact, I will do a video on this very soon to show people how to dust their computers. 

I'm gonna leave this here. I keep on getting distracted by kids so have probably missed loads, and not made any sense. 

I will double check it later. I hope. 

Twitter me with questions @theclunk

*: Please don't correct me. I am talking to amateurs. It is very unlikely that a hacker group will pick on a normal, everyday computer user and hack the back doors off them.

The Problem Is In The Bleedin' Chair!

This is my diagnosis for many computers that come my way.
Most problems I find are caused by 2 things.

• Mechanical failiure
• User error. 

I am yet to come across a computer that has a fault or issue outside of these 2 areas of causes.
When I talk to people about how their computer has gone wrong, and how they could of prevented it I often get 'oh, I never knew that'. When in my eyes the basics should come under 'common sense'. The stuff that people should know when owning a computer. You can't take a driving test in the UK now, without knowing how to put oil in, checking water or filling with fuel. So why aren't people told how to keep a computer running smoothly? People get spam emails telling them that they need a bigger penis, or that there are women in town wanting no strings sex, and that their bank account will be stopped if they don't use this online service for only $99 per month. It is surprising the amount of people that don't realise that these things are spam. And these emails are rife. I have a 14 year old hotmail account which still gets around 1,000 spam emails a week. Yet a simple action once a week will banish these forever.
It isn't just the software maintenance, hardware maintenance is overlooked often as well. I was once asked by a friend to investigate why her 6 year old computer was so slow. When I got there and turned it on, I thought a Hercules aircraft was about to take off from the desk. The fans spun so fast I could not hear the telly. Opened it up and 6 years of dust and shit was nearly solid inside. I have seen people clean LCD monitors with scotchbrite, then wonder why the picture is dull.
And my biggest bug bear, the people that get a new router from their isp, and insist on putting the disc in their computer and installing the half a gig or so of useless crap that they do not need. They just don't realise that all they need to do is connect the lead from the router to the computer. (Or connect the wireless).

So this is a start to what I hope will be a long, helpful, well written and hopefully light hearted and humourous blog.

P.S. I have a bit of a pet hate when it comes to computers made by Dell. This is a personal thing, and is not meant to effect the company or your decision to buy one in any way.

P.P.S. I have just noticed that the spell checker is American. As I can't find the English one, and before your criticise my spelling. Balls to you, my spelling is correct.