Chapter 6

Keeping things sweet.

Now that the computer is up and running, how do you keep it that way?

Well, the answer is a varied one. And largely depends on what you do with it.

But first we will start with the basic maintenance. 

Firstly, if you have a desktop computer, I highly recommend leaving it on over night and setting your tasks to complete while the computer is not being used. 

Virus scans, and disc checks can considerably reduce the computers speed. Programs updating while you are online can slow the internet connection right down. 

Each program usually comes with a scheduler so these tasks can be automated. 

I have mine set up thus:

3am: Windows updates

4am: Other software updates (where applicable)

5am: Virus scan

6am: Disc cleaning operations

Then the computer is ready for when you get up and check out the news. 

The computer does not have to be fully logged on. Most computers can wake up from sleep or hibernate to do these tasks. Even just logging off to the log in screen is fine. Most computers can work from this state. 

Doing this with a laptop is generally impractical. Your best bet is to set aside an hour or two a week to manually do these tasks. 

I have mentioned before about the evil that is defrag. The process itself is fine. It's the fact that most people who are clueless about computers will suggest this first. If a computer is not working as it should, defrag will never fix that. Defrag will give you a speed boost when loading programs, but its a boost you will not notice unless you have a 3 year old computer that has never been defragged. 

As such, I only reccomend a defrag once the system is freshly installed, then one after 6 months. At 12 months, I would recommend reinstalling everything. This keeps things fresh, has the added bonus of getting rid of all the files you installed and forgot about (of which you will have many) and basically make everything smooth. However, if your computer has a SSD (Solid State Drive) then NEVER use defrag. I repeat, NEVER USE DEFRAG. There will be zero benefit, but you could destroy the hard drive trying.

PEBKAC:

I hate to say it, but this is the single most common factor on computers I repair. Wether it be mechanical, or 'software failiure' the problem is usually classed as PEBKAC.

What does PEBKAC stand for I hear you ask?
Problem Exists Between Keyboard And Chair.

In otherwords, you. 

Now as hard as this is to understand, computer software will never go wrong. It is impossible. It is a series of instructions that a computer follows. And the computer will follow them to the letter. 

It is also impossible for anyone to install software onto your computer by hacking.* You have to install the software the hacker uses. Weather you click a dodgy link, or open a dodgy email. Doing so, you cause the problem. 

Mechanical failure:

This is actually quite rare really. 

How many moving parts does your computer have? The fans, the CD/DVD drive, the hard drive, and that's it.

However, when the fans fail you need to stop using the computer and have the fans replaced. I would even suggest changing the fans annually to be sure. The biggest cause of mechanical failure of a computer is dust. 

Once a month, open that case up, get a natural fibre brush, a can of air duster, and the vacuum hose. 

Turn the vacuum on, and have someone hold the hose near where you are dusting. Use the air duster and blast everything is short sharp blasts. Back blast all the fans. If they blow out, blast in and vice versa. Make sure the CPU heat sink is completely dust free. You may need to remove the fan and the heatsink to do this. Removing the heatsink is a good idea anyway. Just be sure you have some thermal paste. Once the heat sink is removed, and stripped down and rubbed clean, run the vanes under a tap to wash them all out. Once they are dust free, run the heat sink under a very hot tap, or drop it into a saucepan of boiling water for a few seconds, then remove it. The hot water will heat up the heat sink, and all the water will evaporate. Who'd of thought the best way to dry metal would be to get it wet?

Infact, I will do a video on this very soon to show people how to dust their computers. 

I'm gonna leave this here. I keep on getting distracted by kids so have probably missed loads, and not made any sense. 

I will double check it later. I hope. 

Twitter me with questions @theclunk

*: Please don't correct me. I am talking to amateurs. It is very unlikely that a hacker group will pick on a normal, everyday computer user and hack the back doors off them.

Chapter 5

Lets get it together. 

The desktop. The single most important part of the computer. Except it isn't. Because you can turn it off and use the start button. So quite a crap intro really. 

Only I rarely use the start button. I rarely use desktop icons either. I have another trick up my sleeve which I shall let you into later, but first.

You see that desktop you have? You should have a few icons dotted around? Well as you install more software, those icons will slowly take up the real estate. What do you have so far? 

• Computer/My Computer: This icon is pretty essential. This is the main navigation button for your computer. If the file is anywhere on your computer it can and will be found here.
• Trashcan/recycle: The 'oh shit' folder. I highly recommend you keep this. If you delete a file, it ends up here. If you find you have deleted it by accident, then you can rummage around and fetch it back out. 
• My Documents: The default folder for anything you save. Good because it keeps it all in one location, bad because it keeps it all in one location. 

These icons are pretty much standard across all computers. Depending on where you got your computer from, you may have some of the following:

• Network/Homegroup:  This is the icon that opens up network connections, and allows you to access files on other computers.
• <Manufactures name> help: Usually, the company that supplies the computer will fill your hard drive with loads of useless crap. This is usually the place they put it. The only useful thing you will ever need in here, if it's in here, is the restore factory settings program. If you have your own windows disc, then this isn't a problem. If the computer came with Windows installed, and they did not give you a full copy of Windows on a disc, then I suggest you buy a copy of Windows. (I will explain more later)
• Some anti virus program: If you did what I said in the previous chapter, then this should be AVG free: If not, then find the program and remove it before installing AVG free. Usually, manufacturers put some overpriced crap, or a crap version of overpriced crap hoping you are stupid enough to pay for the full version of the overpriced crap. For 99% of average home users, you will not benefit from a paid anti virus software. AVG is perfectly capable of preventing 99% of the virus problems you will encounter.
• Printer: If your computer is the only one in the house with a printer attached to it, then you don't need this icon here. If however, you have several computers in the house, all networked, and a couple of printers connected, then it can be handy to have an icon for each printer so you can drag and drop the file to be printed onto the chosen printer. If you don't understand what I just said, then you don't need a printer icon on the desktop.

So how do you keep it tidy and icon free? The same principal for housing. As streets gets crowded, you need more space, what do you do? Create another layer or add floors to the buildings. Or with computers, you create folders.
So a busy desktop can be made to look sweet and clean:

Before

After

If it looks weird, that's because my desktop covers 2 monitors. The right one is my main monitor hence why all the icons are on there.
Doesn't it look much neater with all the icons tucked away?
Yeah, the folders are full of icons now but time for another little trick.
Now I am not sure if this will work, but I really hope so so here we go:
If you look in the bottom right corner, next to the system tray, there is a button marked 'desktop'. This is a pop up menu that allows you to manipulate the desktop like you can the folders in the start menu.

If you click on the '>>' part, a pop up menu happens thus:

This then allows you to access all the desktop folders, and the contents inside in a nice, alphabetical manner and keeping your desktop tidy. In fact, once you get the hang of this, you can even turn the desktop icons off altogether, leaving your wallpaper free for you to enjoy.

I keep all my icons in 2 folders. Games and Utilities. Games is for games, naturally. And utilities are for anything that is system bases or productive. The other icons you can see in that list are ones hidden by default, or temporary folders. For example the 'Donna's Backup' is a copy of a laptop hard drive I am fixing for someone. I am just waiting on parts before I copy it back after giving it a fresh windows install. The sharing folder, is a folder I created to pass files onto computers on my network running XP. Again, I am not a qualified expert on computers, I am largely self taught. But I struggled to find a nice way to network Windows 7 and XP together. So for XP to get files from 7, I put the files in that folder. Crude, but it works. The 2 images are ones I have used in this blog, and they will be shifted to archive once I finish writing. I always put Work in Progress on the desktop, then store it when I am finished.

So now I open up to you. If you have any questions or queries you would like to ask me, tweet them to me @theclunk or leave me a message here.
They could be about me, or about my computer, any problems you may have? Ask me for recommendation's, anything really. If I can help, I will.

All the best.

Chapter 4

Now what?

OK, so you have your wonderful new computer home, its all connected up, now what?

Turn it on of course. Press that big round button on the front, watch as the Windows logo flashes before your eyes. Some new computers will have some kind of registration screen. Fill in the details here and follow the prompts until the desktop shows itself and awaits you to dirty it. 

Now a lot of ISP's will send you a disc with their router and tell you to use it to install the router. Don't bother. Most of the stuff on there is pretty much useless. If you have a router, and the patch lead, just plug it in. The computer will do the rest. Within 30 seconds you have internet.  

Now the first thing I recommend you do before anything else is use windows update. Keep updating till you can update no more.

The second thing I recommend is defrag the hard drive.
Defrag is such a dirty word to me, as it is often something people are told to do by helpline call centres and people who don't have a fucking clue about computers. But on a fresh windows install, in my mind, it is essential. 

• Technical bit. Feel free to skip to next paragraph:
  I will try and describe in laymans terms what a defrag actually does.
  Imagine if you will that your hard drive is a library. Imagine that there is a shelf, the first shelf you come to, and it is rammed solid with books. Everything from phone books to the local takeaway menu. Each book represents a file on your hard drive. Now how the file system works is this:
  When you delete a file, imagine that a book is taken out. Lets say you have deleted an email. Imagine that the email is a menu for 'burgers are us'. The computer takes that menu off the shelf, and throws it away. Now lets say you want to install a large program. For example, photoshop. Imagine that photoshop is a local telephone directory. What windows does is it searches for the first space in the hard drive. In this case, where the menu was. Obviously the space is not big enough. But Windows is a bit anal about this, so what it does is take as much as the phone book as possible, and ram it into that space. Once the space is full, it looks for the next space. Rams as much in there as possible, and so on until the whole file is stored.
  What defrag does is goes around the library, looking for all these part books, and fits them together so its a whole book again.
• Upside: Files are together, quicker to load, and more larger space is created:
• Downside: Time consuming, increases wear and tear alarmingly. (1 hour of defrag is equal to a months average hard drive use in normal circumstances) and can actually cause file curroption if used too often. 
• Do we understand? Good, then lets continue.

 The reason I say do a defrag now is quite simple. During a windows install, (or any program for that matter) the files are copied to the hard drive, then re-arranged as they are being decompressed, opened and installed. Believe me, a defraggle image on a hard drive with just windows installed has quite a lot of holes in it.

Now at this point, a lot of unseasoned people will be going on about no anti virus software, and being connected to the internet. So? There is no need for it just yet. You have only visited the windows update page, and I highly doubt that a Microsoft website will be compromised. You are safe at the moment.

Next thing to do is look at any software that may of came bundled with the computer. If it has any kind on anti virus software on there then uninstall it now. If you get any kind of pop up before this point telling you about it, just close the window with the red X in the top corner. With a lot of computers I have seen and worked on, bundled antivirus is a pain in the arse. You get 30 days then you get pop ups every 5 mins telling you to pay for it at a cost of £30 a year. On one computer the antivirus refused to be uninstalled until you bought it. I had to edit the registry and manually remove the program by extracting the hard drive, and connecting it to Bertha. There may of been an easier way, but at the time I didn't see one. So remove it now. There are plenty of free antivirus software programs online. I personally recommend AVG and I install it on every computer I build and I recommend it to everyone I need to. When you go to the AVG page, it will usually divert you to the cnet website to download. This is ok. So install and run AVG and let it scan.

Firewalls: Do you have a router supplied by your ISP? Then don't bother with one. The windows firewall is good enough. As a home user, it is very, very unlikely that a hacker will try and hack his way onto your computer unless you are Prince William, a bank manager, or a very well known rich man. There is no benefit to them spending half hour to hack Miss Jenny Jones, 131 Acia avenue, Little Bottomwood, Surreyshire, PI55 0FF, who is a single mum, with 32 kids, a 1994 Mondeo and £12.83 in the bank.
However, it is possible that you inadvertently download and activate a virus that will send hackers info from your hard drive. I will cover this in a later chapter.

Once this is done, you are pretty much ready to use the computer.
Start by installing any software you need. (printer drivers, mobile phone software, etc..)
Once that is done, I recommend having order to your desktop. There is nothing worse than having dozens of icons on the desktop, then spending hours looking for an icon you need.

In the next chapter, I will breifly touch on organising your desktop and keeping it tidy.

All the best.

Chapter 3

Now what?

OK, so your new computer is currently sat in its box in your lounge. Now what do you do with it?
Simple right? Plug in the leads and away you go. Well, yes. But there are a few things you should do and be aware of first. 

1. Location: Where will the computer live? And I mean live. You should not assemble and re-assemble a computer every time you want to use it. It can cause bugs and mechanical failure. What you need to do is set aside a space where the computer can be set up and left to sit. I recommend a dedicated desk, although I actually use an oak table. 
2. Power sockets. (sad but true. I once went around a friends house after they got all set up, and when it came to plugging in the nearest socket was other side of the room.) 
3. Windows: Having a window behind you will create loads of glare on the screen and create eye strain. 
4. Phone Socket: Think about how you are going to connect to the router. Yes there is always wireless, and for many things this is fine. But for a desktop that will rarely move a wired connection to the router is always better. 
5. Radiators: Keep the computer away from these. The computer generates a lot of heat as it is, and often works hard to keep cool. Heat is a bad thing for computers. Very bad. Dedicated server farms often have huge and expensive air conditioned rooms for the servers for this purpose.

When setting up the computer, try and keep the tower off the floor. At least by a good 12 inches or more. Dust is another enemy of the computer, and having it sit on the floor is asking for dust, pet hair and dirt to be sucked in. If the computer is to be sat in a corner of a room, try and put the case into the corner. This will help cut down on dust a little and also prevents accidental knocks and bumps.

Make sure that the surface is flat, level and hard. Cases tend to be top heavy. Having it at even a slight list could be enough to cause it to unbalance suddenly.  Soft surfaces like those leather bound desks, or even a table cloth will restrict airflow under the computer. A lot of computers don't have vents on the bottom any more, but better safe than sorry.

Try and keep the top of the monitor at eye level. This will reduce neck and eye strain. And try and give your elbows and arms support by keeping the keyboard as far away from you as possible and allowing you to rest your arms on the desk.

Computers generally come with a lot of cables. (Bertha has 52 individual leads) It will look a mess when its all connected up. Get some cable tidy stuff by all means. It will stop you getting your feet caught in the cable and pulling everything off the desk when you get up. But in some cases, some cables can interfere with others. The main power lead should be kept separate from the LAN lead and the speaker leads.

Other personal recommendations at this point would be to get a powered USB hub. When buying, do not be fooled by one claiming to be USB 1 and another being USB 2. Internally, it does not matter. The speed is handled by the computer, not the hub. Get one, plug it in the back of oyur computer, and have it handy on the desktop. You will use it often in the future. Bertha has a 7 port hub, and all but one socket is full.

• USB note. This doesn't happen much on newer machines with newer windows installed nowadays, but some computers running windows up to XP has this little bug regarding USB and it is worth noting for future reference.
  Say the computer has 4 USB sokets in the back, and you plug in say a webcam in the top right socket and an external hard drive in bottom left. If for some reason you swapped these around there is a bug where they wouldn't work until you put them back. 
• Technical reason. Feel free to skip to next paragraph:
  The reason being is that when an item was plugged in, it would be given a memory address. When you unplug, this address would still be reserved. When you plugged in something else into that socket, Windows would still look for what was there. The way to fix this was to reboot the computer with the new item plugged in. Thankfully Windows resets the memory address when you unplug something now so this is rarely an issue nowadays

OK the computer is all set up, now lets look at the Modem.
The modem is the part of the equipment that converts the phone signal into an Ethernet signal.
Simple eh? Unfortunately, most ISP's use different terms for the modem supplied. You will often hear them refereed to as hub, router or switch as well. Most ISP supplied equipment is basically all three into one. But all three are different. If you have cable of fibre optic then the chances are you have a Modem and a router. But most ADSL broadband users will only have one box.

Technical bit/ Feel free to skip to next paragraph:

• Modem: (modulator-demodulator) Is the device that converts the incoming signal into n Ethernet signal.
• Hub: A device for connecting multiple Ethernet devices together.
• Router: A device that connects networks together:
• Switch: A more intelligent version of the HUB. Usually more server based.
• From the ADSL (phone) line to the computer, they would normally be used in this order:
  Modem/Router/Hub or Switch/computer.

Because a lot of houses have more than one piece of equipment that uses the internet, the ISP's supply a Modem/hub combo. Which is quite handy really. And eventually, you will have more than one device if you don't already do so.
When installing the Modem, it is important to know where to put it. Ideally it should be plugged into the master phone socket. Signal loss is huge along phone extensions. As my master socket is in a stupid place I can't leave the Modem plugged into it, but when I have had it connected to it, I have noticed a significant increase in speed. Unfortunately, my Modem is on the end of a 40 foot extension and as such I only get 9.4Mbit connection. Plugged into master I get 11Mbit.

That is pretty much all I can think of for now, so I will leave it here. Next chapter will be about what you should do when you first turn on your computer.

Oh and Happy Summer Solstice.

The Problem Is In The Bleedin' Chair!

This is my diagnosis for many computers that come my way.
Most problems I find are caused by 2 things.

• Mechanical failiure
• User error. 

I am yet to come across a computer that has a fault or issue outside of these 2 areas of causes.
When I talk to people about how their computer has gone wrong, and how they could of prevented it I often get 'oh, I never knew that'. When in my eyes the basics should come under 'common sense'. The stuff that people should know when owning a computer. You can't take a driving test in the UK now, without knowing how to put oil in, checking water or filling with fuel. So why aren't people told how to keep a computer running smoothly? People get spam emails telling them that they need a bigger penis, or that there are women in town wanting no strings sex, and that their bank account will be stopped if they don't use this online service for only $99 per month. It is surprising the amount of people that don't realise that these things are spam. And these emails are rife. I have a 14 year old hotmail account which still gets around 1,000 spam emails a week. Yet a simple action once a week will banish these forever.
It isn't just the software maintenance, hardware maintenance is overlooked often as well. I was once asked by a friend to investigate why her 6 year old computer was so slow. When I got there and turned it on, I thought a Hercules aircraft was about to take off from the desk. The fans spun so fast I could not hear the telly. Opened it up and 6 years of dust and shit was nearly solid inside. I have seen people clean LCD monitors with scotchbrite, then wonder why the picture is dull.
And my biggest bug bear, the people that get a new router from their isp, and insist on putting the disc in their computer and installing the half a gig or so of useless crap that they do not need. They just don't realise that all they need to do is connect the lead from the router to the computer. (Or connect the wireless).

So this is a start to what I hope will be a long, helpful, well written and hopefully light hearted and humourous blog.

P.S. I have a bit of a pet hate when it comes to computers made by Dell. This is a personal thing, and is not meant to effect the company or your decision to buy one in any way.

P.P.S. I have just noticed that the spell checker is American. As I can't find the English one, and before your criticise my spelling. Balls to you, my spelling is correct.